Am I An Idiot?

The central question across all my pursuits

For as long as I remember, I’ve had a creeping suspicion that I may, in fact, be an idiot.

It lingers in the back of my mind as I go about my day, counterbalancing the confidence brought forth by optimism and whatever sense of self I already have from what I know I can do.

This query of imposter syndrome doesn’t manifest in a way typically described by your favorite public speakers.

I don’t fear that other people will realize I’m an idiot (I’m sure many do already).

I fear that I will realize I’m an idiot.

It follows my adherence to Warren Buffet’s inner scorecard philosophy of living by my own internal values and not ones deemed valuable by others. I care about my opinion of myself way more deeply than I care about what others’ opinions of me are.

This is great in the face of criticism; it’s easy to ignore the naysayers.

It’s not so great in the face of compliments; it’s similarly easy to ignore those who believe in me and connect me with opportunities.

When being told I have a great background or I’m smart, my immediate reaction is thinking how normal I feel and what I readily lack—the gap between who I am and the potential I want to reach.

Without careful management, I find myself less confident to take bold actions.

Yes, I still pursue bold actions- they are needed to disprove my suspicions of idiocy-but I grip too tightly, stress too much, and put too much stake in the game; failing may not mean financial ruin, but may mean an implosion of self confidence.

I also cannot rest on my laurels after achievement.

After achieving the exact things I previously said would make me believe I’m not an idiot, I immediately adjust to my new level of success and fix my gaze on what’s next.

Things I previously thought was unattainable and people I previously saw as role models become coded as just normal everyday life.

The bar of what is “undeniable proof” in Alex Hormozi’s quote of “You don’t become confident by shouting affirmations in the mirror, but by having a stack of undeniable proof that you are who you say you are” irrevocable shifts higher.

The asymmetry in the past being known and the future being uncertain warp my present perception of what is easy and what is difficult.

To presently evaluate if I’m an idiot, all my past achievements don’t mean anything anymore-they’re simply monsters I have slain and know how to slay going forward.

I don’t get any stamp of non-idiocy from reliving those experiences or pursuing those same achievements again.

And so, I start again climbing the next steeper and more difficult hill, pondering the same question.

Am I an idiot?

I guess I can only find out after my next achievement.