Dear Ambition,
It’s been a while since I last replied to you. I apologize for that. Over the past couple of years, I felt I had so many moving pieces in my life. Since 2022, I reached a milestone of graduating university and landing a job I so much desired ever since I was initially introduced to software engineering in freshman year 2017. I partied and mingled in relationships- platonic and romantic- and enjoyed the fruits of my labor. I moved from Toronto to Chicago, a completely new city, and fell deeper towards the sirens of having fun- partying, gaming, and revelling in the new reality brought forth by accomplishment accumulated in years of aspiration, dedication, and turmoil. During this period, you continuously called out to me, but I couldn’t hear you over the rumblings of new adulthood- or at least that is what I tell myself.
The truth is, I haven’t been replying to you, not because life is so exciting and fulfilling, but because I couldn’t muster the confidence to give an honest assessment of my present state of life. In the joys of achievement, I had succumbed to weakness and, in my immense pride in having you as my best friend, I was unable to admit that. I was unable to admit that I had been weak. But in the midst of upholding the image of my subscription towards your virtues, I became cognitively dissonant. My deep rooted belief in you and the upholding of the principles of discipline diverged from my active day to day. Playing games into the late night, being distracted in present studies by watching Youtube, and not putting my entire effort at whatever the present task is at hand, I grew gluttonous, overindulging in the comforts and freedoms brought by adulthood and the self kindness message set forth by contemporary society. While I would still occasionally peek at the daily messages you would send over, I never really sat down with them. I was too embarrassed.
It has been a decade since we first met. In 2014, I was staring out of my office window at the lamppost in the dark night when I first heard your whispers. You approached me, a shy unconfident average child in the suburbs, with revelations of the unlimited nature and depth of human potential. In an effort to pre eradicate any skepticism I may had have, you showed me an example in Steve Jobs, a mere mortal man that had a beautiful mind in creativity, obsessive perfectionist standards, and magnificent technological visions of the future. I was immediately hooked; I wanted to change the world. It was at that moment where we began our friendship, one with its many glorious achievements and its many more sinking failures. And as I grew older, you grew with me. As my perspective of the world broadened in university after meeting people from far ranging experiences, talents, and skills that I never had, you pushed the envelope. Dreams became goals and eventually became accomplishments. In those moments, I could feel the velocity of my trajectory increasing- as if I was onto something. I felt unstoppable and the pinnacle dream of changing the world became a smidge more realistic. Your messages and momentum from immense desire and executed discipline gave me my current realities.
To this day you still send your messages. No matter how weak I may be at any particular moment, I still experience your presence. When I succumb to the temptations of comfort, there is still this little voice telling me that I am failing. I still experience great uncomfort from comfort, pain from self kindness, torment from distraction, and dissatisfaction from satisfaction.
As I ruminate in my weakness- a state a younger version of myself would have absolutely despised- several random seemingly one off memories pop into my mind. In senior year university, I watched the K-drama Itaewon Class, where the protagonist was steadfast in never going even an inch against his principles. While this is completely fictional and absolutely written for TV ratings, the story of Itaewon Class has parallels to your messages: I should never go against my principles of discipline and the callousness required for the success you defined for me. In the fears of giving myself too much kindness (as I have done this past year), I should refrain from giving myself kindness at all, for no kindness is superior to excessive kindness. In the pursuit of personal greatness, I should always invest my immediate focus and effort, for obsessive pursuit is superior to prevalent distraction. I should not budge and allow for imbalance; obsession is required to maximize personal greatness.
The competing one-off memory against this takes place at the pre before a house party full of med school students. In between taking shots of poison and wrestling with the initial stages inebriation, my friend’s friend and I casually spoke about the marathon-like nature of work and a professional career. He spoke of his tendency and the absolute need to pick and choose his battles. Not all battles that are fought will be won and not all battles that are fought will fundamentally move the needle towards the greater pursuit of overall vision. I find this to be completely true, but in my present weak state and in my unconfidence to face you, I must disagree with the response. Akin to the messages you always whisper, I cannot afford to pick and choose my battles, for the battles in adulthood are fewer and more significant. I cannot afford not to give my best effort. Furthermore, in connecting to the previous message from Itaewon Class, how will I know when picking and choosing my battles becomes a slippery slope into mediocrity and complacency? When will I be picking too many battles to give up and too few battles to actively fight? Would I even be able to fight efficiently if I am not sufficiently battle tested and sufficiently trained?
It is undeniable that you have given me a substantial amount of fruitful information and inspiration in the enactment of life’s procession. I grew wiser as time moved forwards; however, I still often fall short on execution. In my current meddling weakness, I have a deficiency on executing upon the wisdoms and messages brought forth by your daily whispers. I find myself experiencing micro failures- deviations and incompletion with daily objectives, which are little stepping stones towards the greater overarching story of a given month and year. I cannot pick and choose my battles; I simply don’t choose any battle at all.
This should be no surprise to you, Ambition, for you can only assist me in my thoughts and not my actions. Unfortunately you cannot force me to study for that exam. You cannot tear me away from the captivating computer screen of games. You cannot strap me to bed and force a good night’s sleep. Those are not your deficiencies. Those are mine. But as I exhibit these deficiencies, I want you to continually torment me. I want you to continue to whisper messages of my inadequacy and my failure in my pursuit for personal greatness. I want to feel uncomforted in the lust for superficial comfort. I want to feel that feeling of looking down on myself- of sheer disappointment in daily shortcomings. I never want you to stop whispering me those messages.
I was often told that when people grow up, they tend to lose you- that insatiable hunger for ambition and the feeling of achievement. They tend to settle into the frivolous details of life and attribute you to foolishness. The serious details of reality- family, age, and societal expectations of stability- rip you away from them. To this, I want you to stay with me forever. Ever since I was 14 years old, you gave me company when I felt lonely. When immediate contemporaries enjoyed their time, academic guidance councillors advised me to settle for mediocrity, and parents desired for me a comfortable life, you stood by me. The dark mornings and nights when I worked, cried, and dreamed were not as melancholic.
I always said that I never felt lonely because I had my ambition to give me company. And while I took your company for granted in past couple of years, I am finally ready to heed to your messages once again.
Ambition. I am back.
Regards,
Eric